December 2006

You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2006.

the ghost in me

I’ll leave you alone
and let you go about your business
of setting and rising, making waves
dissident distance, and stupid stars
without wishing for anything
for myself or you
if you’ll let me sleep one uninterrupted hour
without the ghost in me.

Shadow is never a suspect
but always a witness,
and I’m tired of telling the same
old stories.

Let me close my eyes
over hours wasted hiding under metaphor
or some old man’s song.
With so many words to choose from
you’d think I’d use my own after a while.

Let me sleep
without the ghost in me
and I’ll go make peace
with everyone you ever disappointed.

Sometimes the Internet takes the fun out life.I paid 65 cents for a copy of Leonard Cohen: Select Poems 1956-1968, which I found in The Booksmith bookstore in San Francisco in 1992. The book was cheap. The weekend I took off from work and school to travel to San Francisco with my friend to search every used bookstore in the city to find that book was priceless.

In 1992, I was 17, Leonard Cohen’s books were out-of-print (as were a good number of his CDs though I found them a year later in a German record store - much to my delight), and it took more than logging on and Googling to find out everything you ever wanted to know about fill-in-the-blank. You can find in 60 seconds what I spent 48 hours searching for.

I bet ya five bucks I had more fun.

Seeing as how I’m writing this on the Internet, it’s clear I too am a pod-person, and soon they’ll come remove whatever wiring that’s misfiring and encouraging rebellious thinking. While I wait…

I’m going to California tomorrow and have this silly little ritual. I always play Tom Waits Goin’ Out West before I go.

Well I’m going out west
Where the wind blows tall
cause Tony Françoise
Used to date my ma
They got some money out there
They’re giving it away
I’m gonna do what I want
Do what I want
And I’m gonna get paid

Little brown sausages
Lying in the sand
I aint no extra baby
I’m a leading man
Well my parole officer
Will be proud of me
With my olds 88
And the devil on a leash
My olds 88
And the devil on a leash

Well I know karate, voodoo too
I’m gonna make myself available to you
I don’t need no make up
I got real scars
I got hair on my chest
I look good without a shirt

Well I don’t lose my composure
In a high speed chase
Well my friends think I’m ugly
I got a masculine face
I got some drag strip courage
I can really drive a bed
I’m gonna change my name
To Hannibal or maybe
Just rex
Change my name to Hannibal
Or maybe just rex

I’m gonna drive all night
Take some speed
I’m gonna wait for the sun
To shine down on me
I cut a hole in my roof
In the shape of a heart

And I’m going out west
Where they’ll appreciate me
Going out west
Going out west

from Bone Machine
Released: July 31, 1992 …the same year I bought Mr. Cohen’s book in San Francisco

I’ve added another song to my ritual by Josh Ritter (a must listen to), which made me think about adding other California songs. There must be more, right?

What did I do?

Google Search: California songs. And, there’s already a nice long list. No need to ask a friend to ask a friend, who knows that weirdo who works at the record store whose cousin is a DJ that lives in Jersey but flies to California every weekend to visit his cabbage farm and write sensitive poetry about wheat germ and has a girlfriend who knows one of the Beach Boys who knows this guy who’s writing a book on songs about California. Nope. Now, I just need to type two little words and hit enter.

I know all the reasonable arguments against my unreasonable rant, so put your devil’s advocate away.

There are times when I want to be unreasonable and pretend the past was better than it really was.

Besides, the guy who wrote poetry about wheat germ gave me the creeps.

Like many, I am going home for Christmas.

Home, the place where you house your childhood memories and are always welcome, is wherever my brother lives and so I am going home to him.

He searched for those wings that he knew
that this angel should have at her back.
And although he can’t find them
he really don’t mind
because he knows they’ll grow back.

And he reached for that halo that he knows
that she had when she first caught his eye.
Although his hand came back empty
he’s really not worried
because he knows it still shines.

I can’t promise that I’ll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but I’ll never betray your trust
angel mine.

I search all the time on the ground
for our shadows cast side by side.
Just to remind me that I haven’t gone crazy
that you exist and are mine.

And I know that your skin is as warm and as real
as that smile in your eyes.
But I have to keep touching and smelling
and tasting for fear it’s all lies.

I can’t promise that I’ll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but I’ll never betray your trust
angel mine.

Last night I awoke from the deepest of sleeps
with your voice in my head.
And I could tell by your breathing
that you were still sleeping
I repeated those words that you had said.

I can’t promise that I’ll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but I’ll never betray your trust
angel mine.

I can’t promise that I’ll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but I’ll never betray your trust
angel mine.

Lyrics by Michael Timmins
Lay It Down, 1996


Technorati Tags: ,

Recently a friend shared a few fun facts about our fair sun and turned what was once a PBS, Discovery Channel, National Geographic “Hey, that’s terrifying! Cool, Shark Week.” fear into something bordering pathological. My newly acquired knowledge that, “the sun could fart tomorrow and screw up our climate for the next century or so, and if it had a particularly bad case of gas, screw it up for a few millenia” hasn’t helped the insomnia.

He was enthusiastic when I suggested we revert back to worshiping the Sun God but I don’t think his human sacrifice idea is going to be an easy sell. Sure, Christians had the whole “eat my flesh, drink my blood” thing but that was metaphor.

People can get behind a saying but ask them to pick up a fork, forget it.

Fascinated curiosity has now transformed into morbid concern. Thanks, pal.

Left Image:A long whip-like eruptive prominence
Middle Image: CME blast and subsequent impact at Earth
Right Image: Fireworks in sequence

Solar Maximum The month(s) during the solar cycle when the number of sunspots reaches a maximum. The most recent solar maximum occurred in mid-2000. A.K.A. - “sun farts”

All images with the exception of the New Moon may be found on SOHO’s (Solar and Heliospheric Observatory) website. Go ahead… I need people to chat with at 4 a.m.

I go to sleep, I wake up, I go to sleep, here I am

Insomnia

“It is often caused by fear, stress, anxiety, medications, herbs or even caffeine.”

1. Fear -Possibly
2. Stress - Definite possibility
3. Anxiety - Six of one, half a dozen of the other
4. Medications - Negative
5. Herbs - Negative
5. Caffeine - One cup of coffee 18 hours ago.

You must risk something that matters.

~Tom Waits

Shadows are falling and I’ve been here all day
It’s too hot to sleep time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I’ve still got the scars that the sun didn’t heal
There’s not even room enough to be anywhere
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Well my sense of humanity has gone down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing there’s been some kind of pain
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writing what was in her mind
I just don’t see why I should even care
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Well, I’ve been to London and I’ve been to gay Paree
I’ve followed the river and I got to the sea
I’ve been down on the bottom of a world full of lies
I ain’t looking for nothing in anyone’s eyes
Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

I was born here and I’ll die here against my will
I know it looks like I’m moving, but I’m standing still
Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb
I can’t even remember what it was I came here to get away from
Don’t even hear a murmur of a prayer
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there.

Copyright © 1997 Special Rider Music

Technorati Tags:

Now the flames they followed Joan of Arc
As she came riding through the dark;
No moon to keep her armor bright,
No man to get her through this very smoky night.
She said, I’m tired of the war,
I want the kind of work I had before,
A wedding dress or something white
To wear upon my swollen appetite.

Well, I’m glad to hear you talk this way,
You know Ive watched you riding every day
And something in me yearns to win
Such a cold and lonesome heroine.
And who are you? she sternly spoke
To the one beneath the smoke.
Why, I’m fire, he replied,
And I love your solitude, I love your pride.

Then fire, make your body cold,
I’m going to give you mine to hold,
Saying this she climbed inside
To be his one, to be his only bride.
And deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc,
And high above the wedding guests
He hung the ashes of her wedding dress.

It was deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc,
And then she clearly understood
If he was fire, oh then she must be wood.
I saw her wince, I saw her cry,
I saw the glory in her eye.
Myself I long for love and light,
But must it come so cruel, and oh so bright?

Technorati Tags:

And who by fire, who by water,
who in the sunshine, who in the night time,
who by high ordeal, who by common trial,
who in your merry merry month of may,
who by very slow decay,
and who shall I say is calling?

And who in her lonely slip, who by barbiturate,
who in these realms of love, who by something blunt,
and who by avalanche, who by powder,
who for his greed, who for his hunger,
and who shall I say is calling?

And who by brave assent, who by accident,
who in solitude, who in this mirror,
who by his lady’s command, who by his own hand,
who in mortal chains, who in power,
and who shall I say is calling?

Technorati Tags:

(1998)

time dissolves

wayfarers, drunk on distance
sleep near the road

the lonely roam

coupling like salted snails

passages and streets signs
replace memory

holding only that which they
can carry on their backs

here

transitory steps are washed away

forgotten

the miles ahead, the road behind

burning to navigate open spaces

without map, compass or
thought to destination

time divides equally

friendly faces
pass unrecognized

born alone
the road: a bed, blanket, and home

under moonlight

they sleep close like shiny spoons

at dawn
without recompense

their paths separate
like water lilies

the journey is more alive than the traveler

time ignores all pain

sea salt kisses
swept under traffic lights

let the wind take them

here, reworking fire

visions are born
as children

their feet

soft and ready
for the road.


Mercury, Jupiter and Mars in the dawn sky
Sunday, Dec. 10, 2006

I’ve always had trouble falling asleep.

When I was a child, the night was my favorite time. Our house became peaceful and quiet; I could get my thinking done at night. I grew up in a valley, in a town nicknamed “the windy city” (not Chicago). Santa Maria was surrounded by a horseshoe of low-lying mountains and closed in by the Pacific Ocean. Unlike New England, California houses have large glass windows in every room and in my bedroom they were to the right of my bed. I’d spend the hours I couldn’t sleep watching the stars flicker in the Western sky. Wind from the ocean would whip through the valley and settle in a thick mist. There was a tree outside my bedroom window. The wind would blow the branches against the glass, making tapping or scraping sounds, like someone was knocking or trying to claw their way inside.

I had nightmares almost every night, which is an easy explanation for why it took me so long to get to sleep.

But it doesn’t it explain why I can’t sleep tonight.

Perhaps I should examine the List of PHAs (Potentially Hazardous Asteroids).

Nothing. It was worth looking. You never know.

July 14, 2000 - “This morning NOAA satellites and the orbiting Solar and Heliospheric Observatory (SOHO) recorded one of the most powerful solar flares of the current solar cycle.”

Perhaps I can’t sleep because I’m worried about future solar flares.


Sunspot 930 has suddenly gone quiet. Solar activity is low. Credit: SOHO/MDI

Well, that explanation is out.

Ah… I think I know what the problem is. He has blue-green eyes, some of the time.

Nah…that can’t be it.

I need to keep looking into this potentially species-ending natural disaster angle.

Supervolcanoes! If you haven’t seen this BBC special, I highly recommend it.

ROBERT SMITH: The fact that we haven’t seen one in historic time or documented means the human race really is not attuned to these things because they’re such a rare event.

MICHAEL RAMPINO: It’s really not a question of if it’ll go off, it’s a question of when because sooner or later one of these large super eruptions will happen.

That’s why I can’t sleep!!! I’ve been to Yellowstone many times. It’s quite wonderful.

Volcanologists Take to Space

I hope the sun and volcanoes hold ’til morning. But if they don’t, I won’t have to worry about being late for work.

Goodnight, Mr. blue-green eyes.

there’s a woman here
if you look closely
beneath the muse
made of flesh and bone
salt and sinew

who will keep smiling
because she understands
why you’re leaving
so much unspoken
and nothing promised

what’s not seen
while you are waking up
next to her bright light
are her small hands
and quiet wish

that tomorrow
when she opens her eyes
and finds you’ve gone
she’s not left alone
with what you could not carry
or would not keep

Lyrics by Leonard Cohen

    Now in Vienna there’s ten pretty women
    There’s a shoulder where death comes to cry.
    There’s a lobby with nine hundred windows.
    There’s a tree where the doves go to die.
    There’s a piece that was torn from the morning,
    and it hangs in the Gallery of Frost –
    Ay, ay, ay, ay
    Take this waltz, take this waltz,
    take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws.

    I want you, I want you, I want you
    on a chair with a dead magazine.
    In the cave at the tip of the lily,
    in some hallway where love’s never been.
    On a bed where the moon has been sweating,
    in a cry filled with footsteps and sand –
    Ay, ay, ay, ay
    Take this waltz, take this waltz,
    take its broken waist in your hand.

    This waltz, this waltz, this waltz, this waltz
    with its very own breath
    of brandy and death,
    dragging its tail in the sea.

    There’s a concert hall in Vienna
    where your mouth had a thousand reviews.
    There’s a bar where the boys have stopped talking,
    they’ve been sentenced to death by the blues.
    Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture
    with a garland of freshly cut tears?
    Ay, ay, ay, ay
    Take this waltz, take this waltz,
    take this waltz, it’s been dying for years.

    There’s an attic where children are playing,
    where I’ve got to lie down with you soon,
    in a dream of Hungarian lanterns,
    in the mist of some sweet afternoon.
    And I’ll see what you’ve chained to your sorrow,
    all your sheep and your lilies of snow –
    Ay, ay, ay, ay
    Take this waltz, take this waltz,
    with its “I’ll never forget you, you know!”

    And I’ll dance with you in Vienna,
    I’ll be wearing a river’s disguise.
    The hyacinth wild on my shoulder,
    my mouth on the dew of your thighs.
    And I’ll bury my soul in a scrapbook,
    with the photographs there, and the moss.
    And I’ll yield to the flood of your beauty,
    my cheap violin and my cross.
    And you’ll carry me down on your dancing
    to the pools that you lift on your wrist –
    O my love, O my love
    Take this waltz, take this waltz,
    it’s yours now. It’s all that there is.

Original Poem by Federico García Lorca

Little Viennese Waltz

    In Vienna there are ten little girls,
    a shoulder for death to cry on,
    and a forest of dried pigeons.
    There is a fragment of tomorrow
    in the museum of winter frost.
    There is a thousand-windowed dance hall.

    Ay, ay, ay, ay!
    Take this close-mouthed waltz.

    Little waltz, little waltz, little waltz,
    of itself of death, and of brandy
    that dips its tail in the sea.

    I love you, I love you, I love you,
    with the armchair and the book of death,
    down the melancholy hallway,
    in the iris’s darkened garret,

    Ay, ay, ay, ay!
    Take this broken-waisted waltz.

    In Vienna there are four mirrors
    in which your mouth and the ehcoes play.
    There is a death for piano
    that paints little boys blue.
    There are beggars on the roof.
    There are fresh garlands of tears.

    Ay, ay, ay, ay!
    Take this waltz that dies in my arms.

    Because I love you, I love you, my love,
    in the attic where the children play,
    dreaming ancient lights of Hungary
    through the noise, the balmy afternoon,
    seeing sheep and irises of snow
    through the dark silence of your forehead

    Ay, ay, ay, ay!
    Take this ” I will always love you” waltz

    In Vienna I will dance with you
    in a costume with
    a river’s head.
    See how the hyacinths line my banks!
    I will leave my mouth between your legs,
    my soul in a photographs and lilies,
    and in the dark wake of your footsteps,
    my love, my love, I will have to leave
    violin and grave, the waltzing ribbons

Technorati Tags: ,

A few lines from one of my favorite movies, Tennessee Williams’ Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

Brick:
I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to! Now you keep forgettin’ the conditions on which I agreed to stay on livin’ with you.

Maggie:
I’m not living with you. We occupy the same cage, that’s all.

Big Mama:
In all these years you never believed I loved you.
And I did.
I did so much.
I did love you.
I even loved your hate and your hardness.

Big Daddy:
What’s that smell in this room?
Didn’t you notice it, Brick?
Didn’t you notice the powerful and obnoxious odor of mendacity?

Brick:
Yes, sir, I think I did.

Big Daddy:
Ain’t nothing more powerful than the odor of mendacity.

_________

The film features one of the sexiest men ever to grace this good earth: Paul Newman, as well as Elizabeth Taylor and Burl Ives (I have a recording of Burl Ives singing Rudolph The Red-nose Reindeer in which he is so drunk that by the end he’s singing “Randy the Red-neck Reindeer”).

The screenplay was written by Richard Brooks, whose real contribution was to take out all homophobic references to Brick’s relationship with his friend Skipper per the Hays Code.

I don’t know why the censors would worry about any homosexual content in Tennessee Williams’ plays. Mr. Williams was so conflicted about his own sexuality that he actually had the gay character in Suddenly Last Summer cannibalized by a mob of boys he’d paid for sex. Maybe the anti-gay movement should consider a slogan change; no more shock and awe stories of fire and brimstone. Change “If You’re Gay, You’re Going To Hell” to “If You’re Gay, You’re Going to Be Dinner.” It’s more compelling. It would certainly make their rallies more fun to watch.

Newman’s Own - “Shameless exploitation in pursuit of the common good”

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

life on a Möbius band

I keep writing paragraph after paragraph, only to erase it and start over. It’s all smokescreen and subterfuge. None of it is what I want to write because I’m not sure I understand how I feel. It would be terrible to write it down and get it wrong. There are times when it feels like I am getting somewhere but am I really?

 

Image source: Cut-The-Knot More information on The Möbius Band.

More from Tommy Emmanuel

Technorati Tags: ,

The Memory of Tiananmen 1989

The spring of 1989 saw the largest pro-democracy demonstration in the history of China’s communist
regime.

1989: Massacre in Tiananmen Square

The army moved tanks into the square to clear the protesters.

National Security Archive Electronic Briefing Book No. 16

Tiananmen Square, 1989 - The Declassified History

Eyeballing Tiananmen Square Massacre

Tiananmen Square - 360 degree Virtual Tour

“Google Agrees to Censor Results in China” Associated Press, January 24, 2006.

Online search engine leader Google Inc. has agreed to censor its results in China, adhering to the country’s free-speech restrictions in return for better access in the Internet’s fastest growing market. Although China has loosened some of its controls in recent years, some topics, such as Taiwan’s independence and 1989’s Tiananmen Square massacre, remain forbidden subjects.

A Parable Narrated by Orson Wells

Copyright © 1971

Technorati Tags: ,

building heavens

A man whose knees

are bruised from praying

should not take his life

to prove he is a god

when there are stronger stones

to throw than death

and men among us still

whose nimble angry hands

are hard at work

building heavens

to imprison us.

Technorati Tags: